Dear men,

I am writing this letter to you because you might need to hear this. I want to share a short and simple message here. I’m not sure how to say it best and you may not like some parts of it, but I believe this is important. So let me share it and let yourself receive it. If you know me, you likely know that I am critical of porn and even soft porn on social media. Yes, I know, it’s all around us and nobody can easily escape it. It feels like the entire world just embraced this as a norm without hesitation. One day, someone left a comment and asked me: "Men like to look at women who are beautiful and look healthy. Is this a problem?” This was a good question and it made me think. It makes sense that men would enjoy looking at beautiful women. But it’s not just beauty there, is it? Women who are beautiful but fully clothed and pose in dignified ways are something else entirely. The main problem is not beauty or health. The problem is that in soft porn, and especially in porn, women present themselves as sexual objects that are there only to be used and abused for your pleasure. I know you like to see it, I get it. But those women objectify and dehumanize themselves and by looking, you are encouraging it. Your consumption is basically a vote for a world in which some women are sexualized, objectified, and dehumanized. And whether you realize this or not, whether you can admit this or not, you are also training your brain and your body to become aroused to women who are not even fully human and to power dynamics of oppression and abuse.

Now what does this say about you? If you look at women on instagram and twitter and you jerk off to porn, what does this say about you? Honestly, nothing good. This tells me you are the mercy of your lust and those women are nothing more than sex objects to you. You do not care about them and are happy to see them exploited or exploiting themselves because to you they are - pardon me for being blunt - material to stimulate your dick. Nothing else matters, does it? Because if you truly cared about their wellbeing, you would encourage them to get therapy and stop dehumanizing themselves for clicks and dollars. You cannot honestly believe this is the best thing women can devote their lives to, do you? If you did, you would encourage all the women in your life, all the women you love and respect, to objectify and dehumanize themselves too.

If you are used to looking at strangers and using them for your sexual pleasure, should the women in your life think that you are capable of seeing all women as equal to you? Does this prove that you are capable of being devoted and loyal to your partner? Does this make you worthy of respect and admiration in your community? Are you a model of healthy masculinity for the boys and men in your life?

Sorry, but when I imagine a guy staring at his phone trying to get hard from instagram posts and jerking off to porn, I see a pathetic man. My instant reaction is a mix of disgust and pity. It's even worse if he is dating or married and sneaking off to do this. You need to understand this. Don’t get mad at me for saying it. I am sure that you must already know this, deep down. The shame and the guilt you feel proves that I am right. It’s why you hide and lie. By the way, thinking of a man initiating sex with his partner does not inspire any disgust or pity at all. There is no reason for such negative emotions in that case.

I get it, you are a man, you have a high sex drive, evolutionary psychology explains the interest in women and the salience of sex and all that. But we can explain the mechanisms of obesity, addiction, and violence in evolutionary terms and we still won't praise people for that, will we? We can have understanding and empathy, but let's not be confused here. Being able to understand and explain why you do this does not give you a pass. It certainly does not make this behavior praiseworthy.

Think about it. How many women would be proud to say: "My boyfriend or husband hides from me to drool over naked women on social media every day. He jerks off to women in porn. Sometimes he chooses that over having sex with me." Even in relationships where both partners watch porn - separately and together - I doubt most women only feel pride and joy about it. This is why there is always secrecy involved - hidden folders, private accounts, incognito mode… It’s not like she knows everything about what you consume and what you do. There's the system of hiding and not asking. Better not to know the extent of it, right? If secrecy is always required, can you say both sides are truly happy with this arrangement? Are you? Or are you choosing a behavior that causes you to lie and hide and in doing so you double the shame that you must carry? Because whenever you do something shameful in secret, even if nobody will ever know, you will know. You will know that you have done something so shameful and pathetic that no one else must know the full truth about it. Even if you forget about her, this will erode your relationship with yourself. This is self-inflicted inner conflict and decay. It’s the opposite of what a wise man would aim for - a life of honesty and alignment.

And then there's this - that men consuming porn and soft porn are also creating the conditions for dissatisfaction on all fronts: with their partner, with their own body, with their sex life, with their relationship in general. Think about the most beautiful women in the world. Imagine you are dating one of them. But you are also looking at the other beautiful women every single day. Will this make you happier with the one you date? It won’t. Not to mention that you're almost certainly not dating one of the most beautiful women in the entire world. Most women are not in the top 1% or even 10% of beauty. And if they are, half of their lives are dedicated to looking that way. It doesn’t mean the other women are not beautiful. It simply means that most women will not measure up to the outliers. No regular woman with a normal life can match that. And if they could, it doesn’t mean they should. I hope your current or future partner is beautiful in your eyes. But is her beauty enhanced or diminished if you regularly look at other women?

Sadly, most men choose the behavior that guarantees a decrease in satisfaction with their partner and their relationship. They're wasting time to make their lives worse. What wise man would sign up for this? If you are looking up at naked women on social media and jerking off to porn, you don’t have the right to complain that your partner is not attractive and that your sex life isn’t great. Instead of making your partner feel valued, making her feel beautiful and safe in your relationship, and making an effort to have pleasurable sex, you are undermining all of these. Carry on if you want to. But don't complain about the hole you are digging. Maybe stop digging first, climb out of the hole, and try to find your way back home.

You are free to dismiss what I am saying here, by the way. But if you see the value in this message, don’t ignore it. If I hit a nerve, sit with it for a moment, then reflect on it. And if you think that I am unique in feeling this way, you could not be more wrong. Despite porn consumption being so widespread, it has never been something to brag about. I remember a relevant survey about which habits are attractive and unattractive to women. One of the least attractive habits was watching porn. For good reason, I'd say. The only two things that were more repelling were gambling and consuming manosphere content. Hell, participants thought that it’s better if a man argues online, smokes marijuana, drinks alcohol, or wears makeup! So…pretty much anything is better than watching porn. What were some of the most attractive habits? Reading, learning foreign languages, playing an instrument, cooking, photography, gardening, and so on. What a contrast in these habits, don’t you think? It makes sense that men who waste their time with vices are unattractive while those who work on acquiring skills are highly attractive. No matter what your habits are now, what do you aspire to? You can aim for vices, depravity, weakness, and self-destruction. Or you can aim for virtue, noble pursuits, and useful skills. Just ask yourself: what kind of man do I want to be? That’s all it comes down to. The choice is yours. May you choose the path that leads to the best life possible.

Love,
Paula